Why don't things go my way?

I'm hoping that 10 years would be enough for me to reach my goal. It took me 12 years to reach and then leave my previous peak. My next 10-year cycle will start in the next few months. I'm still grappling with the "how" but I'm pretty sure of the "what". I went to a few sites today to get some sense about what I'll be getting myself into, and I came back still blur, not having any answers. I complain why can't things be smooth for me, but then I've forgotten that some things in the past pretty much went according to plan.

I talked to two wonderful ladies on Monday. They taught me the meaning of determination and loving kindness. I've yet to speak to several more, but I'm already quite certain that the conversations will be filled with messages of hope, encouragement, and perseverance. Such beautiful people. The existentialists say that Meaning is a byproduct of engagement. How true ...
Reflecting on my previous career, I started with a not-so-respected position. When I've decided to call it a day, I was having a sort-of-respected role, plus I figured out my financial status so I can turn a page and begin with my second journey. Yet I still ask ..... Why don't things go my way?

A cruel joke ...

I used to ponder what's the meaning behind Robin Gibb's "I started a joke". Three days ago I received a phone call, a desperate call for help. At the other end is a woman diagnosed with breast cancer, and her husband is a breast cancer specialist. As a doctor, he has to detach himself in order to remain objective when treating his patients. So according to her, he rarely expresses his emotions. Over the phone, she was sobbing and said "I was devastated by what he told me last night ... that ........ " After the conversation ended, for some reasons, Robin Gibb's tune came humming in my head. How worse can it get when you feel helpless as a specialist for not being able to save the love of your life? It's a cruel joke on him.

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Grief

Today is my first time facilitating a group session focusing on grief. I went straight in and it turned out pretty well. Everyone broke the barrier of resistance and it was quite intense. The problem was not handling the group, but how to conceptualise the case and writing the damn case notes .....

Twenty years

This watch stopped twenty years ago.



You would have been very proud of me now.



人大了　方知天有幾高
停下了　方知找了彎路
時日太快　無知的小孩一晚長大　
咬緊拳頭不怕捱　青蔥歲月會跑得很快　

爸，in memory of you .... I grew up .... and I turned out pretty well too.



From your beloved son, 阿康


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Sigh ...

I was asked to chauffeur a woman and her son to Genting Highlands. This is no ordinary trip for this is her last wish before she passes on. It does not cost a bomb to do this and yet, we have to wait because sponsorship is not approved. Now, we've got the sponsorship, but we cannot go anymore because her condition has turned bad. Sigh ...

Uncertainty

Why is there fear of uncertainty? Is it because there is desire for certainty? I have been chasing after this and that all these years ... and when I say I want to be at peace with myself and all around me like where I am now, I'm still chasing, isn't it? When I draw a house together with mountains and a river on an A4, the location of the house is up on the mountains overlooking the river, which to me represents peace and serenity. Well, I am a city person and I can't live in the mountains. The point is this: When I was drawing, I did not picture myself already in the house, overlooking the river but as something to look forward to. Although I am in peace now, there is still much more to do, to achieve, with family, work, everything else. There you go ... I'm chasing. After what? Isn't it true that uncertainty is the only certainty?

白い恋人達

A cover version by Ken Hirai. It's as good as the original by Kuwata Keisuke. In fact this version is more sombre. The first few lines remind me of my sadness ... the reason why I left my job and started travelling. First stop, Japan. Winter snow ... the serenade ... the smile of an angel ... and celebrate ...

如果。愛

Angel

I have talked to June (not her real name) three times, and in the most recent conversation, she lit up .....

Me: I'm glad you're feeling great now. You're coming out of the rot.
June: Yes, thank god (her fingers crossed). Thank you.
Me: Thank yourself too ..... you made it happen.

No, I'm not her angel. Instead, it's the other way round. I will always be thankful to June, and many others who have shared their stories with me. Each of them is unique in their own ways. I realised that in every story, there are angels. But because they are invincible to the naked eyes, we don't see them easily. However, they will certainly appear when we are determined and persistent enough to look, not only around us, but also inside us .....

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

讀愛

I miss this fella's voice. After several years, he has finally released a new album. This song is his typical love ballad, 80's style. Reminds me of my high school days ...... all the love bugs that have bitten all around ,the innocence and naivety, till death do us apart kinda thing ...... Reminds me of all the waterfalls, mountains and beaches that our group has been to .... and belting out all his romantic numbers along the way ......... NOSTALGIA!!

Empathy

Suffered from diarrhoea since 2.00am yesterday. I was weak and had abdominal pain. Needed to see a doctor, but it was 2.30am. Went back to bed hoping that it'll go away. 5 minutes later, went into the loo again. Getting worse, so no choice, HAD to go to a clinic. Dragged myself out of the bed, changed, took my car keys, and off I went. Was feeling a little cold. First clinic, damn, not 24-hours. I've seen so many clinics around my area before but just when I needed one, just one, it was so difficult. Finally I got to one, and thank goodness I was the only patient. Registered myself, and waited. The weird thing about clinics is the air-condition at the waiting area is normally at full-blast. Is it to make patients' condition worse so the doctor can prescribe more medicine? I started to shiver.

Went into the doctor's room. Told the good doctor I'm having diarrhoea. He took my temperature, measured my blood pressure, asked what I've eaten, and if I've got gastric. After my response, he said "You don't have fever, blood pressure normal, and eat something before you take medicine". Consultation over. I shivered for 10 minutes outside and the consultation was over in less than 5 minutes. And guess what, I had to endure the cold again outside while waiting for my medication. Damn .... I was really cold. I walked out of the clinic after collecting my medication, but turned back immediately. Told the nurse I need to borrow the washroom .... EMERGENCY! Did my 'watery' big business, but could not get up as I was feeling dizzy. Told myself I'm not gonna black-out on the toilet bowl, took a few deep breaths (imagine my posture on the toliet bowl, and the very aromatic atmosphere), composed myself, got up and flushed (yes, I'm still civic-minded even when sufferring).

Now the challenge ... driving home. A bit dizzy and my body was shivering. Anyway, thank goodness, I made it back safe and sound. 3.45am, took the pills, put on a sweater, track bottom, and went to bed. Woke up at 6.00am, still feeling horrible. Sent a few SMSs to postpone appointments, went to the toilet to do my 'watery' business, again. Went back to bed after that. My eyes opened. 10.30am. I thought it's all over. But wait .... why do I feel so heaty? Damn .... am I down with fever? But the doctor said no fever. Never mind, I'll take another round of medicine and sleep more. But before I slept, the toilet called again, same old shit (literally). The next time I woke up .... 5.00pm. I got worse, and I was pretty sure I caught fever. Decided to consult another doctor. I haven't had any food the whole day apart from slices of bread. Can't find any porridge around at this hour, so settled for Maggi mee soup at a mamak stall. Gosh, it was tasteless but I had to eat something. Then I went to a clinic. This time, the doctor took time to examine me (although the air-condition outside at the waiting area was also at full-blast). I asked: "will there be some relief by tonight?" The response: "Definitely", and the doctor was right. I felt much better after taking the new medication. My diarrhoea stopped, body temperature reduced, and abdominal pain subsided.

I had a horrible night. I see many patients with terminal illness through my volunteer work. I asked myself many times how can I emphatize with them, how can I understand their pain? My questions are answered. I don't have to suffer from cancer in order to emphatize with them. Suffering as a result of illness is universal, but different in terms of intensity. I was weak, had fever, diarrhoea, dizziness and abdominal pain for one night. I can emphatize with them if I extend my horrible night experience for weeks and months, plus more complications like vomiting, immobility, pain at every part of the body, etc. Not even mentioning the psychological torture that they go through.

Patients tell me: "Fung, it's not easy for you to understand what we're going through ..."
Yes, I know, but I'm willing to try.

Round and round ...

No, not Spandau Ballet! That's umpteen years, no, decades ago. This is a song by Gabriella Cilmi, a cool Aussie lad who's just 17. Yeeeeeessssss ..... 17!!!. Talents abound everywhere. My favorite album now.

Psycho-education

It's not like I've never done this before, afterall I've been doing this for the past 7 years. Teaching, coaching, buxxxhitting, con-sulting, so what's the big deal? Ahhhh, I see ..... what I've done in the past is more like "Telco-education". To be a psycho is a different game altogether, Stupid! As the Existentialists said: "Anxiety as a Condition for Living" ....
Yup, my new "career" for the next 3 months ..... and looking forward to it ....

Go, no go?

The economic crisis is lurking. More shit is expected to hit the fan in the second half of 2009. Should I sign on the dotted line? As Warren Buffett said:

"Be fearful when others are greedy, Be greedy when others are fearful"

For me, it's a matter of "Making a choice between Freedom of Desire and Freedom from Desire".

Kena berfikir-fikir .....

Keep on believing ....

How was it like being an adolescent maneuvering through the waves of uncertainty? It wasn't easy for me. I met a friend today whose sister had a serious stroke last year. She has a 17-year old son (let's assume his name is Tom). Tom's father often had to travel in order to sustain their small business and put three meals on the table. Tom is so disillusioned and confused that he asked my friend, "Is there any meaning in life?" He is now spending all his time at online-game centers.
What if Tom writes a letter to his future self, and gets a reply? Don't know what I mean? Let me share with you one of my current favourite songs ...



Lyrics translation (taken from AudioGlory):

Dear you,
Who's reading this letter
Where are you and what are you doing now?
For me who's 15 years old
There are seeds of worries I can't tell anyone
If it's a letter addressed to my future self,
Surely I can confide truely to myself

Now, it seems that I'm about to be defeated and cry
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?
This one-and-only heart has been broken so many times
In the midst of this pain, I live the present

Dear you, Thank you
I have something to tell the 15-year-old you
If you continue asking what and where you should be going
You'll be able to see the answer
The rough seas of youth may be tough
But row your boat of dreams on
Towards the shores of tomorrow

Now, please don't be defeated and please don't shed a tear
During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear
Just believe in your own voice
For me as an adult, there are sleepless nights when I'm hurt
But I'm living the bittersweet present

There's meaning to everything in life
So build your dreams without fear
Keep on believing

Seems like I'm about to be defeated and cry
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?

Please don't be defeated and please don't shed a tear
During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear
Just believe in your own voice

No matter era we're in
There's no running away from sorrow
So show your smile, and go on living the present
Go on living the present

Dear you,
Who's reading this letter
I wish you happiness

Aki (the singer) has touched the hearts of those kids, no doubt about it. She is inspiring those kids not to give up, but keep on believing ..... It is an emotional and powerful experience, as you can see from the girls' expressions. We may even be reminded of our own challenges during our adolescent years. I certainly had flash backs when I listen to this song.

Do you think Tom can be inspired if he reads an inspirational letter from his future self? What would help him now to keep on believing?

In the here and now ....

My car CD player is normally on when I drive. I was on my way for dinner, the sun is setting, and there is light breeze swaying the trees. The tune playing is my favorite song .... Someone crossed my mind. She is currently working in East Malaysia, far away from her family. Being in the here and now, enjoying the sunset and music just warms my heart. My friend, I wish you peace, happiness and success .....